Wrapped in the darkness, with the exception of the glowing streetlight peering in on us. In his bed, my bare legs tossed over the tops of his. I hear his sleepy muffled voice float out from under his heavy arm, “You know I love you, right?”…
And suddenly this falling feels like flying.
Six simple, complex, floating, heavy, sparkling, powerful words send me soaring.
In that moment I realize I am not only in love with him, which, to be honest, I’ve known for a while now… but I am in love with the way his voice crinkles like fire after 11 pm. I’m in love with the way his face touching mine sends electricity down through my temples and into the souls of my feet. I have fallen in love with the way he makes things I hate to do, like grocery shopping, fun. How he tucks t-shirts under his chin while folding the second sleeve. I am madly in love with how every time he steps out of the shower to dry off, his left eyebrow raises slightly as he peeks out to see if I’m waiting for him on the bed. I love watching him match his socks, ever so precisely. And, above all else, I love the way I know he loves me… not just despite all of my faults, but because of them.
It feels like all I’ve done, everything I’ve been through, everyone who’s crossed my path, every mistake, every success, all of my choices and all of the things I had no choice in… all of it lead me right here. In his bed. Wrapped in this exact darkness. With these precise legs which were made to fit ever so perfectly undermine.
It feels like I’ve arrived.
And with all that, I poke my face into the triangle of his sheltering arm and whisper “I love you, too” into his somnolent ear.
When I thought to write about this pivotal moment of My Story, I first hesitated. I had a brief wave of doubt come over me. How could I put into words exactly how I felt in such a moment? The power of it is daunting and the fact that I was preparing myself to recollect my feelings, in detail, from nearly a decade ago… I almost convinced myself on giving up before I had even begun.
I’m so very glad I didn’t.
Once I sat down and began typing, I realized drawing on those decade old feelings wasn’t difficult in the least. It came pouring out of me just the same as it did the moment he said that one fateful sentence.
Nearly 10 years later, I love him far more than I did in that instant.
Putting that moment into words is easy. Putting what I feel for him today would be the real challenge.
I’ve lived a lot of life in my 30 years. And, I’m sure I have a lot more coming my way for the next 30. But, knowing I have this man beside me, knowing even if it’s all gone tomorrow, that I had what I have now. It truly makes it all worth it. Any of it. All of it.
Life is so unpredictable. So confusing and deceiving. But, if there’s one thing I’ve learned throughout it all… it’s for every bad thing that happens… at least 10 good things come to you in return. As long as you’re willing to receive them.
Forever grateful for he who is my lemonade.