“I am addicted to heroin.”
And with those words ringing through my ears, swirling around my mind, and flushing down into every nerve in my body… my entire life literally flashes before my eyes.
I am so caught up in my own shock, wander, and internal chaos, I can’t even muster the voice to ask a single one of the thousand questions I have on the tip of my tongue.
I am suddenly plum full with feelings of anger, distraught, urgency, sadness, devastation, heartbreak and flight… more than fight… and all I can think, is how in the hell did I get here?
Abruptly, I hear all of those questions pour out of my mouth at an inundating pace. Questions with so much belligerence I don’t even recognize myself.
I feel so physically removed from the situation my ability to hear any answers seems to have escaped me. I’m completely entrenched in my own thoughts; how did I not know this? I did know this. How did I ignore all of those signs? Why am I still standing here? I love him. How can I possibly still love him? How long has this been going on? The first sign… from OVER A YEAR AGO smacks me in the face. Dear God what kind of life have I been living… and how could I ever possibly fix this?
My pride impedes me from calling for help. My loyalty blurs my vision. My codependency alters my common sense.
My attachment to four years with the same person, four years of dedication, devotion, love, memories, firsts and the paralyzing fear of change… make me stay.
I am a heroin addicts girlfriend… better put… a heroin addicts “mother”, “babysitter”, “stalker”, “monarch”, “caregiver”, “slave”, “bank”, “shelter”, “driver”… “silent assassin, clothed in love”.
There is nothing I like about who I have become.
I am the child of two father figures. Both alcoholics.
Adult children of alcoholics often either become alcoholics, marry them, or both. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. Children of addicts can easily become addicted to excitement, often confuse love and pity, and tend to “love” people we can “pity” and “rescue. We “stuff” our feelings, with ease, from our traumatic childhoods and often lose the ability to feel or express our feelings. Adults raised in this environment can be unrealistically judgmental of themselves and can obtain a very low sense of esteem. Becoming dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment, and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which were often received living with sick people who were rarely there emotionally.
I dated my high school sweetheart for about four years. At 20 years old I found out he was a heroin addict… and had been, for quite some time.
Officially apart of the cycle, I resented so many others for putting me into in the first place. I was choosing the same path so many I knew and had previously judged were on.
Luckily, by the grace of God, I was released from this trap.
I buckled down, chose to focus on myself for once. Chose to face all of my demons and traumas and skeletons head on. I put all my focus and energy and efforts on becoming a better me, on setting boundaries, deciding what my firm expectations are, my deal breakers and what it is I truly want for my life, for my future husband, for my future children… for my future.
Today, just over a decade after I heard that shattering sentence, I am proud of who I am. I am happy and content.
I worked on myself and in turn I received healthy relationships within an amazing life, career, and sweet little family.
Never settle for less than what you truly deserve… not even for those you love.