I close my eyes to feel the empty room embrace me. Except it feels more like I’m being swallowed rather than held. I open my eyes to see my feet back to the ground, but it’s only disorienting. I see, but I do not feel.
My stomach is gnawing. It’s an unrelenting feeling of anxiety. Knots. I can’t shake the feeling of vacancy. I am a shell.
I muster the courage to look in the mirror standing before me in hopes of finding myself. Except it only confirms my fears. I see my face, my hands, my body, but when I look into my own eyes I feel even more lost. I stare back, hard, trying to adjust to the darkness.
I close my eyes again unable to endure any more of this person staring back at me.
I desperately search for the last time I remember feeling myself.
When was I last whole? How did I let this happen?
I assure myself I’ve been here before and found my way back. I try to fill myself up with enough hope to take the first step towards my search. My search for who I am, for what I want, what I need… for myself.
How is it possible to feel so heavy, yet so empty all at once?
When I open the front door, the fresh air fills me up. I’m ready. I’m ready to face the world.
And in that instant, I catch the first glimpse of myself. I recognize my strength. The courage is familiar.
I believe I can.
I am an extreme empath. I’m an observer, a thinker, an analytic to a fault. I pick up on other’s feelings even if I do not know them. This is why, as an introvert, being in public settings can be extremely exhausting for me.
While these attributes are some of the things I appreciate most about myself, they’re also easy to get lost in. I tend to get so distracted by others wants and needs and feelings that I forget to tend to my own.
In many ways, I want to say “unfortunately” this sort of episode has happened more than once in my life… but, then as I’ve experienced more life, as I’ve picked myself up, found myself, over and over throughout this journey… I’ve realized these particular experiences aren’t “unfortunate” at all.
I’ve been lost many a time in my 30 years. Whether it be due to uncontrollable life occurrences or whether it be due to decisions I’ve made unwittingly. Whether it be in an instant or over a long period of building time. I have been lost.
But, now, I realize, while losing yourself is a horrible feeling, it’s always what happens right before you are found.
And every time I’ve been found, I find a better person than before I had been lost.
So, I choose to feel fortunate for these instances in life. I choose to appreciate the lessons, because if there is one common theme I can take away from each of these times of emptiness… I am more confident in my ability to stand back up, in my strength, courage, and determination… than any other attributes I maintain.
Take care of yourself. <3
Beautifully worded.
The original prose posted, and the writer’s remarks about yourself, all well-written.
Thank you for sharing your work.
It is that ability to rise again that makes you who you are. It is the ability to enlighten and encourage others with your words that makes you so special. I am thankful our paths crossed on twitter.