Sitting there next to him on the couch as he mutes the TV and wraps me up in what feels all too convincingly like love, I can feel the tears start to well up and one by one fallout from the ledge of my lids and stream down my cheeks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cGuys won\u2019t wait around forever. They need physical touch to feel wanted and loved and if you don\u2019t give it to them, they\u2019ll go find it somewhere else. That\u2019s just the way it is.\u201d he tells me\u2026 again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWell, I don\u2019t want to do that.\u201d I manage between irregular breaths.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He pulls me in close and I rest my head on his chest. It takes everything in me to keep from hyperventilating. I\u2019m trying to slow my breathing and focus on the silent TV so I\u2019ll stop crying, but I keep finding myself getting more and more worked up as he continues to explain how no guy will ever really be interested in me until I give it up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
What am I supposed to do? Was everything my boyfriend said to me a lie. When he made me feel like I was special and told me he loves me, was that all a lie too? Do I really have to accept that no one will ever stay if I don\u2019t give it up and when someone does stay it\u2019s just because I did? <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n As the thoughts and questions flood my mind\u2026 I realize I\u2019m in full on sobbing mode. I\u2019m so upset I can\u2019t even begin to calm myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n His shirt is soaked with my tears.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIf you\u2019re this upset\u2026 you know what you can do to fix it\u2026\u201d He whispers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I was a freshman in high school when I had this conversation with my stepdad at the time. All of 14 years old.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n This man had raised me since I was nine. He claimed to think of me and love me as his own daughter. There were even moments I considered calling him Dad. He gave me away on my wedding day\u2026 and left my family 10 months later.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Looking back on my childhood with him, I remember multiple conversations similar to this. I was always told \u201cmen are pigs\u201d \u2026 but, essentially oblige or end up alone. He would discuss his and my mom\u2019s relationship issues with me in depth, to the point where, looking back, I was put in a position where I was more so his equal than his child.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n He was someone who based a person\u2019s worth solely on their accomplishments. He had an uncanny way of making everyone around him feel less-than, but he always knew just what to say to convince you it was okay, because he\u2019d help you get to his level if you just did what he said. He\u2019s one of the greatest manipulators I\u2019ve ever known, someone who appears humble, but is incredibly full of himself and self-centered.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n I spent the majority of my childhood walking on eggshells trying to keep the peace under this man\u2019s roof\u2026 because I was raised by a narcissistic alcoholic.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n And, this situation is just one of the many ways he attempted to ruin my self-worth, wreck my confidence, and essentially break me before I even had the chance to decide what kind of woman I wanted to be.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Luckily for me, he left. Luckily for me, I\u2019m stronger. Luckily for me, I know exactly what I\u2019m worth\u2026 and I\u2019m worth loving. I\u2019m worth more than my looks and my body. And I know better than to believe anyone worth having would ever choose to leave.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Sitting there next to him on the couch as he mutes the TV and wraps me up in what feels all too convincingly like love, I can feel the tears start to well up and one by one fallout from the ledge of my lids and stream down my cheeks. \u201cGuys won\u2019t wait around forever. … Continue reading “no more using my heart, because yours won’t start”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-111","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/afiercemind.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/111","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/afiercemind.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/afiercemind.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/afiercemind.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/afiercemind.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=111"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/afiercemind.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/111\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":113,"href":"https:\/\/afiercemind.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/111\/revisions\/113"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/afiercemind.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=111"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/afiercemind.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=111"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/afiercemind.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=111"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
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